ARLINGTON, Virginia – Unable to tolerate the rejection they face when customers close their accounts, banks across the country are denying customers the ability since the decision isn’t mutual. “Some of these clients have been with us for five, ten years, then with no warning, we get a call that they are no longer interested. All those years together, and they can’t say it to our face. We deserve more than a phone call. We deserve to have a say in it too,” said Chase CEO Jamie Dimon, adding that customers attempting to sever ties will be met with a mandatory 30-day “relationship counseling period” to reflect on whether they are truly ready to leave.

The new policy comes after a series of bad breakups, the latest involving longtime customer Skylar Jennings, who attempted to close her account of twenty years. According to Jennings, the bank froze her request and responded with a 14-page letter explaining they didn’t agree with her decision and still considered her part of the Chase community. 

“They told me I was reacting in the heat of the moment and reminded me of all the good times, like my first paycheck deposit and the mortgage loan they approved,” Jennings said. “Then they asked if I was leaving them for another bank and whether I was seriously breaking up with them over high fees.” When Jennings responded yes to both questions, they refused to recognize the breakup and informed her they’d be keeping the funds until she had properly thought it through.At press time, Jenning had received a bouquet with a note, “We’re sorry. Let us make it up to you. 0% fees for the first year of your return.”