In an announcement that rocked the sports world, there are no more products for professional athletes to endorse. “We should have seen this coming years ago, but just didn’t believe it would actually happen,” said Lou Trivell, founder of Trivell Promotions and Brokerage. “It’s a sad day for America and for crass, unbridled commercial exploitation.”

Yesterday, Carl Yafford, shortstop for the Oakland Aristocrats, became the last athlete to sign an endorsement deal when he became the official face for Testecon’s Home Testicle Smoother™, which was previously known for its delightful animated character Nutzee™. “I feel bad for a lot of my friends who won’t be paid to extol the virtues of smooth, shiny testicles,” said Yafford, while demonstrating the Smoother’s revolutionary non-Botox Pull ‘n’ Wax method.

A nationwide group of athletes—ranging from basketball and curling to hockey and extreme ironing—signed a petition expressing their outrage. “It’s an outrage,” said basketball player Lewis Lazcome of the Cleveland Carabiniers. “Am I expected to just live on my pitiful multi-year salary, performance bonuses, and revenue sharing?”

Said Miami Egrets linebacker Dirk “Dirk” Mohab, “This isn’t about sports or camaraderie. As an athlete, I demand that my face appear on a first-person shooter game, or some yet-to-be invented snack food. When people shove handfuls of salt-laden garbage in their mouths, I want them—I need them—to think of me!”