WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fearing the Department of Education is making Americans less educated and illiterate, the Trump administration is dismantling it and rebranding it as Thoughts and Prayers to address the nation’s growing educational crisis.
“I care about American education,” said Trump. “Tiny American kids, little boys and little girls, who can’t even read the word ‘cat.’ But they know the letters L, G, B, T, Q. During these troubling times of low literacy rates and DEI teaching on federal money, the only solution is to keep them in our thoughts and prayers.”
The move aligns with Project 2025’s goal of reducing federal involvement in education while promoting traditional values. According to administration officials, the newly branded department will replace standardized testing, teacher training, and educational funding with classes on the benefits of earning minimum wage, mandatory gratitude journaling toward employers, and advanced training in blaming your Democrat or Republican friends, families, and coworkers for your economic hardships.
“The federal government will be focusing on what it does best, tweeting,” explained Education Secretary nominee Betsy DeVos, who returned to lead the rebranding effort. “Each morning, we’ll tweet our thoughts and prayers to struggling school districts instead of sending money. Twitter’s all we need.”
When asked how this approach would improve literacy rates, officials emphasized that with the faith of a mustard seed, anything is possible.
At press time, the department’s budget was reallocated to fund the building of Elon Musks’ Tesla facilities which had been the victims of terrorist attacks carried out by tornadoes.
