CLIMAX, VA – Finding the concept of in person battle to be out of touch with modern day technological advancements, Gen Z has decided they will not be doing World War III even if drafted unless it’s fought remotely.
“The boomer concept of war isn’t necessary anymore,” said ROTC dropout Henry, who had briefly considered joining the army to pay for college before realizing that college degrees are now more useless than ever in history. “What if you’re in the middle of the battlefield and get FOMO of being alive?”
According to a recent poll, over 90% of Gen Z respondents believe war can be fought more efficiently from the comfort of home, stating that “soldiers deserve to Work From Home too.” They argue that traditional combat is riddled with inefficiencies such as running and carrying a gun, problems easily solved with drone warfare. “You can decimate entire cities from your couch in your underwear, just like in a video game,” one respondent noted.
Older generations, however, are not on board with this idea, labeling Gen Z as lazy, stupid, and entitled. “Back in our day, we took our butts to battle, came back with PTSD, and tried to end our lives,” said Rick, an 80-year-old quadriplegic Vietnam veteran. Gen Z remains unconvinced. Just because previous generations suffered doesn’t mean they should too. However, they reassured the nation that PTSD and missing limbs are still on the table, as the emotional and physical toll of war will be shared collectively, especially if opposing countries also opt for remote warfare and start launching nuclear missiles.
Boomers clarified that the entire point of traditional warfare is to ensure that the enemy kills you in their country, thereby keeping the fight far from U.S. soil so the rest of the nation can continue to live in blissful ignorance.
