CUPPERTINO, CA – Apple has made its phone less secure for the first time in history due to a demand from none other than the UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer. In an unusual request, the UK government demanded that Apple reduce its phone encryption so that the UK government can monitor and act upon any messages its citizens send. “This is being done to protect our citizens and in the name of democracy” said the prime minister in an interview during the Munich Security Conference in Germany. “By monitoring our citizens’ texts, we will be able to quickly and swiftly confront those who the State believes are acting in ways that do not align with our democratic principles. This is critical for the nation’s security”.
“Apple has taken decades to perfect its encryption system to avoid such spying by nefarious entities around the world.” said security expert Stephen Knox. “Mr. Starmer managed to remove years of research and advances in electronic security in one day, exposing critical secure information about the UK and its partners to spy foreign organizations, like those in China, Iran, Russia and North Korea.” We interviewed Callum Allwright, a 75-year-old citizen from Essex who has very sobering words for the Prime Minister: “We have seen in the UK, and in Europe, many times in the past where leadership invades its citizens’ privacy and to curtail our free speech under the pretext of democracy, but it never goes well.”
An unnamed whistleblower from within MI-5 and part of the UK Security agency contacted a major news organization to reveal that the Prime Minister’s true objective is to voyeur into text messages with very private photos and videos. Officers were directed to create a special folder “For Your Eyes Only” within MI-5 secured system of lewd images and videos of females of Middle Eastern origin for Mr. Starmer’s review.
The UK’s request to Apple will undoubtedly provoke significant opposition from the developed world, as such a personal fetish would certainly put many countries at risk.
