MOSCOW, Russia – U.S. President Donald Trump announced the end of the war between Russia and Ukraine, illustrating the terms of the agreement with a Sharpie pen. Going forward, the majority of Ukraine is now a part of Russia.
“Mister Putin and I had a great conversation, such a great talk,” Trump said. “We came to a business arrangement that ended the fighting. This is the best peace deal ever. And it didn’t take long. We hammered out the details in 17 minutes. That’s a record, I’m sure of it. I’m expecting a call from the Nobel committee any day now.”
Then, hearkening back to one of the more educational episodes from his first term in office, Trump had his staff call up a map of the Black Sea area on a giant screen and then used his trusty pen to draw the new southwestern border of Russia. The jagged line that he drew by and large traced the current borders of Ukraine but cut in a wobbly bit at the western edge.
“We agreed that this tiny little western part, which includes the western half of the fine city of Lviv, is the new Ukraine,” Trump said. “They’re going to build a wall in the center of the city to mark the dividing line. The Ukrainians will pay for it, of course. Zelensky’s already got people on it.”
Secretary of State Marco Rubio waxed poetically about Trump’s ability to ignore traditional boundaries. “He got out the magic wand again and made things change in a big way. It’s amazing how often that works for him.”
As he left the staging area, Trump mused that he was thinking of changing the name of the Black Sea, promising to come up with something more appropriate and less woke. “I’ll have Elon work on it,” he said, as he walked away.
