KENSIGNTON, Philadelphia — Citing the miraculous weight-loss effects of shooting up Ozempic, former drug addict Kelly Osbourne has declared it a revolutionary breakthrough. Having dabbled in Percocet, Vicodin, and heroin in her younger years, up to the age of 39, Osbourne insists that her “primary addiction” had always been food.
“Drugs have always made me feel more secure about my body,” she admitted. “Especially heroin.” Unfortunately for Kelly, once she started on heroin, it made her ashamed of taking drugs, but Ozempic soon came and changed the game.
“It’s the first drug I’m proud to take. The best part? It also reduces your desire to abuse substances,” Osbourne noted, adding that she personally no longer struggled with addiction, but word on the streets of Kensington was that Ozempic could work wonders for those who still did.
“Doctors recommend jabbing a needle in and taking a hit once a week, but some of my friends in Hollywood say they’ve seen way better results taking it daily,” she explained, flashing photos of Demi Lovato and Robert Downey Jr. When informed neither had actually come out about using Ozempic, Osbourne quickly apologized before swapping the photos for Amy Schumer and Tracy Morgan.
“Just make sure it’s the pure stuff,” she warned. “Counterfeit Ozempic can really jack you up.” Osbourne gestured toward a group slumped against a wall, surrounded by trash, feces, piles of needles, and discarded Ozempic boxes.
At press time, Osbourne was seen tying a rubber band around her arm, demonstrating the proper way to take Ozempic. She looked fantastic!
