HOMOSASSA, FL – Scrolling past the gory images of torn limbs, decapitated heads, and half-bitten thighs on her laptop, Defense Attorney Jamie simply couldn’t believe it when she came across the file detailing that her alleged cannibal client had never been to therapy before. “Shut up,” she gasped at the time of discovery, “I can’t believe it. This is so messed up. What a major red flag.”
Despite multiple verbal descriptions from the client on how he’d like to chop her fingers off and recreate a Chicken Feet Dim Sum Style but with Human Fingers, Jamie was unbothered and felt the client’s innocence could be proven.“There’s no way anyone in court will believe he didn’t do it now,” Jamie dropped her head into her hands, “I can’t defend someone who doesn’t go to therapy. That’s above my pay grade and moral compass.”
Jamie had jumped at the opportunity to take the case because her client’s behavior was just a quirky dietary preference or a kink.”’ I don’t care if he’s eaten people. That’s not my problem. Better than representing a vegan.” She sat in silence for a moment, contemplating whether she should continue representing him if documentation showed he’d seen a school counselor in the past. But upon scrolling further to find out he was homeschooled with the highest level of education being 4th grade, she quickly dropped the case.
At press time, Jamie had reportedly been contacted by Armie Hammer, who was looking for a replacement attorney after one of his own withdrew. “I’ve gone to therapy before,” Armie reportedly assured her.
