WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a revelation that has stunned historians, conspiracy theorists, and anyone who has ever watched the Zapruder film, newly released JFK assassination files have uncovered the shocking truth: John F. Kennedy actually died of natural causes, and the CIA hastily staged an assassination to, in their words, “make it look cool.”

For decades, the official story has been that Kennedy was shot in Dallas, Texas, on November 22, 1963, by Lee Harvey Oswald. However, declassified documents reveal a far more mundane reality: President Kennedy simply suffered a fatal medical event, and in a panic, the CIA decided to stage an elaborate assassination to avoid “boring the American people.”

One particularly damning document, titled Operation Zapruder Spin, details how top intelligence officials, upon realizing Kennedy had expired from natural causes, rushed to craft a more “Hollywood” ending to his presidency.

“It was a simpler time,” the memo reads. “The American public expects their presidents to go out in a blaze of glory, not slump over mid-sentence from a heart attack. We made an executive decision to keep things exciting.”

A ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ Presidency

According to the newly released files, top-level officials, realizing Kennedy had died before reaching Dealey Plaza, faced a crisis: what to do with a very obviously deceased president in an open-top car in front of thousands of people?

A solution quickly emerged. As the limo cruised through the streets of Dallas, Secret Service agents—already trained in advanced body-movement techniques for parade optics—went full-on puppeteer mode, holding Kennedy upright, moving his head slightly, and even occasionally raising his hand in a presidential wave to keep up appearances.

“You ever seen Weekend at Bernie’s?” one classified CIA document asks. “Yeah. That. But in Dallas. The great Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy couldn’t have pulled it off better themselves.”

A former Secret Service agent, speaking under the alias “Agent String-Puller,” confirmed the technique:

“There were multiple agents working at once, like a ventriloquist act on a national stage. It was the most important marionette job in American history.”

The ‘Necessary’ Gunshot

As the motorcade neared the Texas School Book Depository, the agency came to a grim but unavoidable conclusion:

“The best way to plant a bullet was, unfortunately, to actually shoot him.”

The documents suggest that a staged shooting was executed to cement the official narrative. The result was the assassination story that has persisted for decades, complete with conspiracy theories, documentaries, and ongoing public fascination.

A Crisis in the JFK Impersonation Industry

The impact of this revelation extends beyond politics, history, and Billy Joel’s credibility—it’s also shaking the very foundation of the JFK impersonation industry.

“This is tough news,” said JF HEYYY, a Las Vegas-based performer known for his historically flamboyant recreation of the Kennedy presidency.

“For years, I’ve ended my act with a pyrotechnic half-head explosion to really bring home the drama. But now that we know it was all just a staged post-mortem? I mean, what do I do? Just… drop dead naturally in the middle of Hail to the Chief? I don’t think that’s gonna sell tickets.”

The CIA Responds

The CIA has refused to comment on the matter, though one anonymous source close to the agency admitted:

“Look, it was the ‘60s. We were winging it. Give us a break.”

As the nation grapples with this mind-blowing truth, one thing is certain: the JFK assassination conspiracy just got a whole lot weirder.