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April 16, 2025
Office Gossipmonger Enters Convenient Coma After Seeing Elon’s “What Did You Do Last Week” Email
Politics
April 16, 2025

WASHINGTON D.C. [theperineal.com] – Plunging federal workers into a state of frenzy, Elon Musk’s government-wide email demanding employees report their weekly accomplishments or get booted triggered a wave of severe medical episodes. Among the victims was local office gossip enthusiast Gina Malerk, who was always seen in the kitchen, perched on somebody’s desk, but rarely…

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April 14, 2025
Wellness Influencer Becoming Conspiracy Theorist at Alarming Rate
Lifestyle
April 14, 2025

LOS ANGELES, California – An LA-based wellness influencer recently shocked her friends by showing early signs of becoming a full-blown conspiracy theorist, despite the usual patterns. Morning Glory Jenkins, best-known for her instructional TikTok videos about how to brew kombucha, has been a wellness influencer for just under a year. Morning Glory (real name Madison)…

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April 10, 2025
DOGE Cuts Needed USAID Funding to Bolivian Tadpoles
Science
April 10, 2025

Elon Musk and DOGE continue to search for waste, fraud and abuse within the federal government.  Yet, some vital programs are also being cut, including USAID funding to provide diapers for incontinent tadpoles in Bolivia. Known as “tad pads” within the USAID building, these diapers are said to improve the self-esteem of the little Bolivian…

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April 5, 2025
Meta Execs Proud to Announce 200% Bonus, Couldn’t Have Done it Without Low Performers
Economy
April 5, 2025

MENLO PARK, CA — After years of hard work and dedication, it finally paid off: Meta executives were overjoyed, some even wiping away tears, as they proudly announced their 200% bonuses. In what was regarded as the most heartfelt speech to be given at Meta, the execs addressed the soon-to-be-laid-off employees, who, tragically, hadn’t caught on…

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April 4, 2025
29-Year-Old Man Shares Startling Image of Woman He’s Been Dating, 30-Year-Old Emily
Local
April 4, 2025

NEW YORK, NY – Having spent the past few months championing the perks of dating an older woman, Chad finally unveiled the much-anticipated photo of his Golden Bachelorette, Emily. “He’s been raving about this cougar for months,” said coworker Ryan, stunned by the big reveal. “From the way he talked, I figured she’d be at least…

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April 3, 2025
Cast Leaked for the new Disney Muppets live Action Movie
Entertainment
April 3, 2025

ORLANDO, FL – Disney Plus has announced it is planning to produce a Live Action Muppets movie entitled, “The Muppets Take Hollywood! With real live muppets. In this totally original idea (because we are using actors as muppets not puppets) Kermit, Fonsie Bear and Gonzo head to Hollywood to revive their careers with a reality…

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April 2, 2025
Superstar Guerrero Inks Record Contract, Extending into 22nd Century
Sports
April 2, 2025

TORONTO, Canada – Superstar Vladimir Guerrero, Jr. has agreed to a contract extension with his current team, the Toronto Blue Jays, for a team-record-setting $674 million. Per the terms of the agreement, a large part of that money will be deferred and eventually paid into a bank account that he has set aside for his descendants….

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April 1, 2025
UK Starmer Removes Apple Encryption so Government can Peek Into Private Text Messages
World
April 1, 2025

CUPPERTINO, CA – Apple has made its phone less secure for the first time in history due to a demand from none other than the UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer. In an unusual request, the UK government demanded that Apple reduce its phone encryption so that the UK government can monitor and act upon any messages…

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March 28, 2025
With the Stroke of a Sharpie, Trump Ends Ukraine War
World
March 28, 2025

MOSCOW, Russia – U.S. President Donald Trump announced the end of the war between Russia and Ukraine, illustrating the terms of the agreement with a Sharpie pen. Going forward, the majority of Ukraine is now a part of Russia. “Mister Putin and I had a great conversation, such a great talk,” Trump said. “We came…

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March 27, 2025
Tom Cruise to Star as 007 in New Bond Film
Entertainment
March 27, 2025

Hollywood, California – At long last, a new actor has been named to play James Bond. It is Tom Cruise, and the name of the new film is Undercover Revelations. The announcement came in a joint statement from Danjaq LLC and Metro-Goldwyn Mayer, which jointly own the rights to the iconic spy franchise. Cruise, star…

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