WACO, Texas – Local woman Callie Jo Johnson made a beeline for Aldi this morning, clutching a $20 bill, a wad of coupons, and the perception that a “stock market crash” meant food was going on sale. “I heard on the radio that the stock market done crashed,” Callie Jo said, steering her cart down…
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DETROIT, Michigan – Loyal viewers of the hit series White Lotus have gone through identity crises since Season 3 aired, especially local man Nick, who was hit the hardest after binge-watching the show’s latest season and is now concerned about incestuous acts taking place during his upcoming family vacation. Initially planning to relax, hit the…
LONDON, UK – The UK has announced that the Royal Navy Submarine Service will be adding 12 new nuclear submarines to its fleet. The announcement comes as Keir Starmer sees a greater threat facing the UK, and the UK’s commitment to increase its defense budget as required by NATO. The new submarines will start to…
DOVER, Delaware – After sixty years of hard work and putting away 10% of his paycheck, local boomer Dan is looking forward to his retirement, confident that he’ll have enough to last him about two years. “I’m really looking forward to it,” Dan said with a twinkle in his eye. “I’ve spent decades working, and…
WASHINGTON DC – Mrs. Roberta Metsola, the current president of the European Parliament, announced during a UN speech today that the European Parliament is expanding. The current seating of 720 parliamentarians in the organization is not enough capacity to host the increasing need for new EU functions, rules, policies, and laws. The new facility will…
BEVERLY HILLS, CA – The Federal Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a warning on the use of the latest and very popular weight loss drugs. There have been reports of these drugs causing a chain reaction in the bodies of specific patients and driving them to lose much more weight than recommended. Over the past…
LOS ANGELES, CA – As fires raged across California and homeowners scrambled to escape with their belongings and lives, local van dweller Jason Emerson finally felt justified in his life choices. Hidden next to a dumpster, his van carefully camouflaged by torn-up Amazon delivery boxes to avoid parking tickets, Emerson perched on his roof with…
CLIMAX, VA – Finding the concept of in person battle to be out of touch with modern day technological advancements, Gen Z has decided they will not be doing World War III even if drafted unless it’s fought remotely. “The boomer concept of war isn’t necessary anymore,” said ROTC dropout Henry, who had briefly considered…
LAS VEGAS, NV – The US Federal Court knocked down Trump’s reciprocal tariffs to the delight of many. The stock market jumped 500 points with the ruling announcement and with some positive news from Nvidia earnings. The ruling will keep imported products, especially those from China, affordable to the American consumer. The sex toy industry…
WASHINGTON D.C. – With Biden’s memory issues having spread to the rest of the Democratic Party, Democratic leaders are at a complete loss as to who they are, what they support, and why they’re even here. In the face of Trump’s growing power and Elon Musk’s unchecked influence, they are now urgently searching for someone,…
WASHINGTON D.C. [theperineal.com] – Plunging federal workers into a state of frenzy, Elon Musk’s government-wide email demanding employees report their weekly accomplishments or get booted triggered a wave of severe medical episodes. Among the victims was local office gossip enthusiast Gina Malerk, who was always seen in the kitchen, perched on somebody’s desk, but rarely…
LOS ANGELES, California – An LA-based wellness influencer recently shocked her friends by showing early signs of becoming a full-blown conspiracy theorist, despite the usual patterns. Morning Glory Jenkins, best-known for her instructional TikTok videos about how to brew kombucha, has been a wellness influencer for just under a year. Morning Glory (real name Madison)…
