WASHINGTON D.C. [theperineal.com] – Plunging federal workers into a state of frenzy, Elon Musk’s government-wide email demanding employees report their weekly accomplishments or get booted triggered a wave of severe medical episodes.
Among the victims was local office gossip enthusiast Gina Malerk, who was always seen in the kitchen, perched on somebody’s desk, but rarely at her own desk, unless it was to scroll through Slack looking for some piping hot tea. Her duties involved starting private Slack channels dedicated to dissecting coworkers’ personal lives, a task she was in the middle of performing Saturday morning when Musk’s email requesting her to detail her five work-related accomplishments landed in her inbox.
Her husband, who witnessed the fall, claims Gina had been mid-response to a Slack thread speculating about Janet’s suspicious year-long ‘chemotherapy recovery’ when the notification popped up.
“When I saw the ‘Gina is typing…’ status go on for ten minutes, I figured she really had something to say this time,” said Janet, the coworker who narrowly escaped being the subject of Gina’s latest takedown. “Imagine my relief when I found out she’d slipped into a coma instead.”
At first, the office was skeptical, finding the timing a little too convenient. However, doctors confirmed her diagnosis as “selective unconsciousness triggered by facing the consequences of one’s actions”. Meanwhile, her department is debating whether her coma excuses her from replying to the email or qualifies as an automatic resignation.
At press time, Gina showed brief signs of improvement after her husband visited to inform her that Steve in IT was under HR investigation for embezzlement. Witnesses report one eye fluttering open before she promptly slipped back into unconsciousness at the mention of Musk’s email.
