EL PASO, TX – The skyrocketing price of eggs has driven desperate Americans to extreme measures, smuggling eggs across the Mexican border. In response, Mexico has taken drastic action, building a wall to keep out these dangerous egg traffickers, who are addicted to the lifestyle of omelets and quiches
For those too broke to afford eggs in the U.S. and too broke to fund a smuggling operation, the future looks grim. Many have been forced to turn to tofu scramble for breakfast, while others begrudgingly substitute applesauce or mashed bananas in their baked goods, mourning the loss of real eggs with every bite.
“Somebody create the bird flu vaccine already!” cried one eggless American, watching in despair as carton prices soared. The crisis has sparked a fierce political divide, on one side, pro-vaccine activists demand immediate action to force birds back to work and “bring back our damn eggs,” while anti-vaxxers argue that such intervention would infringe on animal rights. Tensions have boiled over into full-scale riots, with egg-deprived citizens turning violent, surpassing even the chaos of the Popeye’s chicken sandwich wars, proving once and for all just how much control birds have over humanity
Meanwhile, in Mexico, crowds gather at the border, cheering as workers lay bricks, chanting, “Build the wall! Build the wall!” As the barrier rises, American breakfast culture teeters on the brink of collapse. At press time, The Perineal had reached out to Eggo to determine how it was still thriving. Eggo issued a statement that it has never contained eggs in its products and has been falsely advertising all this time.
