WACO, Texas – Local woman Callie Jo Johnson made a beeline for Aldi this morning, clutching a $20 bill, a wad of coupons, and the perception that a “stock market crash” meant food was going on sale.
“I heard on the radio that the stock market done crashed,” Callie Jo said, steering her cart down the soup aisle. “So I figured chicken stock, butchered livestock, maybe even them organic bone broths would be half off.”
Callie Jo, 33, who describes herself as a “lover of all things stock” and “not into numbers unless it’s coupons,” reportedly clutched her heart and cried “Lord Jesus Almighty” when she saw that cans of Great Value chicken broth had jumped from $1.89 to $1.94. “Either someone is lying or the crash ain’t hit yet,” she muttered, squinting at the price tag like it might magically flip to clearance.
Store employees say Callie Jo stood in front of the soup aisle for a full 14 minutes, waiting for prices to “drop in real time.” Witnesses report she asked an Aldi staff member if they had “dropped prices in honor of the crash,” to which he replied, “Ma’am, this is an Aldi”. Unshaken, Callie Jo pulled out her phone to Google what produce and livestock prices would drop due to the stock market crash, since the employees didn’t know a darn thing.
Upon learning that Apple’s stock had plummeted, she wheeled over to the fruit section, only to find that apples had increased by 10 cents a pound.
