WASHINGTON, D.C. – Secretary of State Marco Rubio has acknowledged what been widely whispered for weeks, that the State Department was consulting the ghost of former President Jimmy Carter on how to bring peace to the Middle East.
“No one knows more how to bring people together than Jimmy Carter,” Rubio said. “I’ve been tasked with getting a peace deal by any means necessary, and this is well within that remit. We all remember how Carter got [former Egyptian leader Anwar] Sadat and [former Israeli leader Menachem] Begin to shake hands at Camp David. I wouldn’t be doing my duty to the American people if I didn’t explore any and all options in this area.”
The medium who had conducted the operation had already given her story to The Washington Times. Speaking on condition of anonymity, she confirmed that she had been able to contact Carter and that she had passed on several specific suggestions to Rubio and his handlers. “I cannot, of course, comment on the specifics,” the medium said. “I did hear the name [former Secretary of State Cyrus] Vance once or twice, and Mr. Carter said ‘Rosalynn’ a time or two as well, but he might have been a bit hungry, so that wasn’t part of the peace process.”
Representatives from neither Hamas nor the Israeli government were available for comment.
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), the Senate minority leader, blasted the announcement, saying that he wanted a do-over on his vote in favor of the recent GOP bill to avoid a government shutdown. “This peace initiative hasn’t a ghost of a chance of succeeding, and it’s a frivolous waste of taxpayer money. If this is the kind of Mickey-Mouse activity that we’re going with now, then I want no part of it. AOC was right. Can I get my mulligan now, please?”
