NEW YORK, New York – After watching Diddy edge closer to a Trump pardon despite being labeled a child diddler, Luigi Mangione promises to turn over a new leaf and only commit sexual assault crimes if pardoned by President Trump.
“I shouldn’t have gone after billionaires,” said Mangione who has been charged with 11 crimes for doing what most Americans dream of doing, according to the support he received, “I see now that I was wrong. If Trump pardons me, I won’t shoot any more rich people, I promise. From now on, I will be a model citizen and do only what would make Trump and Diddy proud. I’ll take my first plane out to Hollywood, find a beautiful woman I’m attracted to, then I’ll just start kissing them.”
Currently holed up in the same facility as Diddy, Mangione and the rest of the non-connected inmates have been forced to listen as Diddy brags from the rec yard, pounding his chest about Trump having his back and how birds of the same feathers stick together. It’s gotten Mangione feeling hopeless, to the point he’s willing to do anything to be a part of the flock, “I won’t even wait. I’m a star now. Search my name, and you’ll see women of all ages who have the hots for me. I can do anything. They’ll let me. Please, just pardon me.”
At press time, his mother had reached out to say that treating women like how Diddy or Trump do might be something she could see Luigi doing as well.
