LONDON, England — In a rare display of international solidarity, monarchs from across the globe have banded together to condemn the burgeoning “No Kings” protests sweeping the United States, labeling them an existential threat to the time-honored institution of hereditary rule. The demonstrations, which began as a grassroots movement against perceived unchecked executive power and have escalated into chants of “No Kings, No Crowns,” have reportedly left royal palaces from Buckingham to Riyadh in a state of high alert.
Sources close to the crowned heads reveal a growing unease that the American fervor could inspire similar uprisings elsewhere. “This is not merely a protest; it’s an affront to the divine right of kings,” declared a joint statement signed by over a dozen sovereigns, released through the unofficial “Coalition of Thrones” yesterday. The missive urged the US government to intervene, warning that such rhetoric undermines the “sacred balance of global pomp and circumstance.”
Leading the charge is Britain’s King Charles III, who, in a televised address from Windsor Castle, expressed profound dismay. “One cannot simply dismiss kings willy-nilly,” he intoned, his voice quivering with regal indignation. “We provide continuity, tradition, and the occasional bank holiday.” Critics, however, noted the irony, pointing to Charles’s own history of family feuds that have dominated tabloids more than any policy debate. “He’s upset about ‘no kings’ while his own house resembles a soap opera fit for abdication,” quipped one anonymous courtier, alluding to the ongoing Windsor family dramas that make the average reality TV show seem tame.
Not to be outdone, Saudi Arabia’s King Salman bin Abdulaziz issued a stern fatwa (statement) from his opulent Riyadh palace, decrying the protests as “disrespectful to elders and authority figures everywhere.” The octogenarian monarch, who rules with an iron fist wrapped in velvet subsidies, emphasized the need for “unquestioned loyalty.” Yet, observers couldn’t help but chuckle at the hypocrisy, given Saudi Arabia’s track record of silencing dissent faster than a royal decree can be stamped. “He’s protesting protests? That’s like a desert mirage complaining about dryness,” remarked a Middle Eastern analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity to avoid retaliation from any monarchy which only claims to promote freedom.
Even Europe’s more low-key royals weighed in. Spain’s King Felipe VI, in a measured op-ed for El País, lamented the “erosion of respect for figureheads,” conveniently overlooking his father’s scandal-plagued exile involving embezzlement and elephant hunts. “Felipe is preaching decorum while his family tree looks like a crime novel plot,” snarked a Barcelona commentator.
The protests, which have drawn thousands to US streets demanding accountability over privilege, show no signs of abating. As one protester in Washington, D.C., put it: “If kings are so great, why do they need thrones to sit on their high horses?” Meanwhile, the monarchs’ coalition plans a virtual summit next week, though insiders whisper that coordinating time zones with such egos might prove the real challenge. Whether this royal backlash will quell the American tide remains to be seen, but one thing is certain—the world of blue blood is feeling decidedly red-faced.
