MONTGOMERY, Alabama – Following the latest no-show of the Rapture, leading evangelicals have decided to rebrand the end-of-days event as Super Happy Armageddapalooza™. “It’s time to update our image and get with the times, before those times come to an end,” says Dr. Skip “Skippy” Stantin, Christian theologian and dental hygienist. “And what better way to show Jesus how serious we are about the destruction of the Earth than to promote a Rapture that’s fun for everyone?”

The refurbished Super Happy Armageddapalooza™ will include a social media blitz across all Sinclair-owned media, with a new slogan—“Get Caught: God’s lifting you up, up, and away!”—and Doomsy the Lovable Rapture Horse, a delightful plush mascot available in white, black, red, and pale. “Until now, the Rapture has been all doom and gloom,” said Felicia Jessum, CEO of The Landem and Brandem Agency. “Once Jesus sees what we’re doing to make the end of the world more commercial, He’ll be itching to come and take us away from that very world toot sweet.”

Stantin and other evangelicals are hopeful that this marketing plan will not only help make the Rapture more successful but inspire people to follow its core message. “Remember, this is all about faith,” says Stantin. “Faith in the destruction of anyone who doesn’t believe in what we believe. And isn’t that what this is all about?”